The Black Knight Chronicles (Book 4): Paint it Black Read online

  Milandra sat back down on her throne and nodded to the Guard. “You may return to service with our thanks.” The guards blinked out of existence at the wave of Milandra’s scepter.

  Then she shifted slightly on her throne and focused all her attention on the chef. “You, sir, are another matter.”

  “I just cook ’em, queenie. I don’t got nothing else to do with ’em.” He spat a glob of yellow something onto the throne room floor, and Milandra’s personal guards stepped forward, hands on their swords.

  The Queen held up a hand, and the guards returned to their positions. “And yet,” she said, “You did kidnap two travelers from another realm and chop them up for stew. And then, when they tried to escape, you created a situation by which they had no choice but to break my laws.”

  “But I didn’t break any laws.” He paused for a long time before adding, “Majesty.”

  “No, you didn’t. But you did require the aid of my Market Guard, did you not?”

  “I did indeed. And they helped me out, like they would any law-abiding, tax-paying merchant of the Market. And I appreciates it.” The corpulent little slime smiled and spat again.

  “I’m sure you do. That’s why you will now be providing free meals for any of my guardsmen that choose to partake. You reputation for fine cuisine has reached even my own palace, and I am sure that you would like to show your appreciation for the men who saved your business in any way you could.”

  “Of course, Your Majesty. Free eats for all the Guard. Absolutely! Anything they want on the menu or off the menu!”

  “Thank you, Chef. You may go.” Milandra waved her hand, and the throne room was missing a goblin.

  “Come on out, Jimmy. And bring all your friends.” Milandra raised her voice so we could all hear her, and we approached the dais. The throne room did that thing it does when Milandra wants it to be small, so what had been a distance the length of a basketball court only took us a couple of steps to cover. Abby seemed a little freaked out by it, but the rest of us pretty much took it in stride. I just hoped I wouldn’t come home all glittery after this trip. That stuff takes forever to wash out of your hair.

  Stephen looked the most amazed, and the most transformed by his entry into Faerieland. Any pieces of his mortal disguise were gone, and he was several inches taller than I was used to seeing, and he now had a pair of decidedly non-human pointy ears. He was a good-looking dude in our dimension, but here in Faerie, he was beautiful. He approached the throne and knelt like he’d been born in another time, all his dancer’s grace flowing into a fluid bow at Milandra’s feet.

  “My lady.” He lowered his head.

  Milandra rose and stepped down from her dais. “Stephen, I presume?” The kneeling faerie glanced up at her and nodded. “It’s a pleasure to welcome you home. Know that you and yours shall always be welcome here, even unto the end of your days.” Her tone was strangely formal, and I almost felt a little energy pass between her and Stephen as she bent down and kissed him on the forehead.

  I heard a little intake of breath and looked over at Tivernius. “Don’t sweat it, lizard-breath. He’s gay.”

  “I’m not ‘sweating’ anything, Jimmy, but she just bestowed on him something that few ever receive. The kiss of the Queen is a mark that one carries forever, and it shows him as favored by the royal house of the Fae.”

  “So with her lipstick on his forehead we’re less likely to get chopped up for soup stock?” I asked.

  “To put it in the crudest terms possible, yes.”

  “Awesome. Think I can get her to kiss me?”

  “She can kiss you on the forehead right after I decapitate you,” Sabrina cut in, her voice all saccharine.

  “I’ll settle for a kiss from you, then.” I leaned toward her and puckered up.

  “Not now, you smell like a goblin. Besides, we’re in public.” She pushed me away, and I turned my attention back to the Queen, who looked at me like a grumpy homeroom teacher staring down a kid who had just gotten detention. Again.

  “James, Gregory, Sabrina,” the Queen addressed us all. “So good to see you again. And welcome to your friends as well, especially the witch. Those of the Craft are always welcome within our halls. But James, why is it that every time I see you there is bloodshed?”

  “For once it wasn’t my fault, Your Majesty. I just take exception to being turned into an entrée.” I shrugged, and Milandra laughed. I sighed a tiny sigh, relieved that the Queen still thought I was funny. If a woman who bends reality to match her moods stops being amused with you, your longevity is seriously compromised.

  “Now, James, what is your side of the story? I’ve heard my captain’s account of the events in the Market, and while outlandish, they do sound very much like something you would be involved in. And please introduce me to your friends, particularly this well-mannered one? Rise, young Fae.” She waved a hand at Stephen, who slowly got to his feet and stepped back with the rest of us. His eyes never left Milandra the whole time. I guess for me it would be something like meeting Robert Plant, or Clapton, only cuter and blonder.

  I gave Milandra the shortened version of our trip to Faerieland along with the introductions, finishing up with our little run-in with the chef. “So, you see, it wasn’t really our fault that we drew steel in the Market, it was more along the lines of an inevitability.

  “Like it was an inevitability that your last trip to my realm would result in bloodshed in this very throne room and very nearly cause an inter-kingdom war across all of Faerie?” Her eyebrow crept so far up into her hairline that I thought it was going to come back around her head.

  Milandra didn’t seem to be the type to hold a grudge. Not like Greg, who’d been mad at me for seventeen years and counting. I’d killed him. He had a right to his anger, but Milandra was better off when we’d left than before we’d arrived. I wasn’t truly worried that she was going to let the past color her opinion now.

  “Yeah, sorry about that. But look on the bright side, nobody you like died.” I gestured at Otto, her chief bodyguard, man-at-arms, and whatever else he was. He nodded back to me.

  “So now what?” Milandra asked. “How do you intend to continue your investigation?”

  “Well, I thought we’d kick, punch, and shoot everybody in the Goblin Market until we got enough answers to rescue a little baby’s parents, then take them back home and let everyone live happily ever after,” I said, ignoring the scowl on Milandra’s face.

  “And I thought that I’d go to the chef’s supplier and cut off little bits of him until he told us where the people we’re looking for are being held,” Sabrina said from beside me.

  “Well, that could work, too. But it takes some of the fun out of things. Can I at least beat people up until they tell me who the supplier is?”

  “No need. I swiped the chef’s ledger before we were whisked away. It shows us who he buys his meat from. That is, when he doesn’t have a renewable source of it hanging in the back room. Why don’t we start there?”

  “That’s kinda brilliant, Detective,” I said.

  “Thanks, I thought it was pretty good.”

  “I have known for many years who supplies the chef with his meat, but have had no reason to shut down his operation as long as the only humans killed were criminals, trespassers, or those who deserve it, as you would say, Jimmy. No matter my personal feelings about humans or how much they need to be protected from the more unsavory elements of the magical world, as long as no rules were broken, I could not act.” Milandra’s brows knit as she twirled her hair around one finger. I could almost hear the gears turning inside that gorgeous little head.

  After a few seconds a pixiesh smile crept across the Queen’s face. “But now they have kidnapped humans and endangered the whole of Faerie by their actions. We cannot allow knowledge of the Goblin Market to become widespread in the mundane world. Were all of your practitioners of magic to come flooding into Faerie for their charms and trinkets, our resources would quickly be depleted a
nd our land destroyed.”

  “Not to mention what all those souped-up charms and spells would do back in our world,” I added, thinking of how much more mojo Anna had on this side of the portal.

  “Therefore, I shall empower you to act in my name and stop this unauthorized import of humans into the Goblin Market.”

  “We call that kidnapping back in our world,” I pointed out.

  Milandra just looked at me, and I shut up.

  “There’s just one problem,” Greg chimed in. “Milandra just killed us. Or at least as far as anyone knows.”

  “That’s simple enough to fix,” Milandra said.

  We all turned to her. She smiled at us. “I killed illusions that looked like you. It won’t take much to make you look like someone else.” She waved a hand and pink glitter settled over the lot of us.

  I looked at Greg, but nothing seemed different. “Um, Your Majesty . . .” I raised a hand, noting that she still had that crystal sword leaning next to her throne.

  “It worked, Jimmy. Have a little faith. You can’t see the difference because you know it’s Greg. If you didn’t know him, he would look like one of my Guard. But this glamour will not work on the Fae, so wear these.” She held out her hand, and it was draped with necklaces. Dangling from long silver chains were seven-pointed stars with pink diamonds at each point.

  “These are emblems of my service. Now, if I might borrow your sword?” She held out a hand to me and I put my sword in her hand. The sword looked like nothing special, but it had originally belonged to Milandra, and something about it looked different here.

  “Kneel.” I hit one knee without ever thinking about disobeying. I looked from side to side and saw Greg and Sabrina kneeling beside me. I gave Sabrina a look that I hope said, If this kills us, I really liked you. She smiled back at me, and I swear if it was possible my heart would have skipped a beat.

  “By the power vested in my by the Lords of the Fae, the Gods of the Realms, and the Dragons of Tivernia, I hereby declare you to be Knights of the Fae, with all the authority and power therein. Serve me well, Sir James Black.” She tapped me on each shoulder with the sword, a little harder than I thought absolutely necessary, but a far cry from taking my head off. Milandra stepped left and repeated her declaration over Sabrina’s head, then stepped right and did the same to Greg.

  She stepped back and addressed us all. “Rise, my knights. You now speak with my voice, and act on my accord. You may bare steel in the Market if necessary, and may act in any fashion you see fit to uphold the laws of the land and the conscience of your Queen.” She smiled, and suddenly she was the little girl playing at Faerie Queen again, complete with dimples deep enough to make a dead man weak in the knees. I know—I watched Greg’s legs buckle when she turned that dazzling smile on him. “Just try not to embarrass me too badly, Jimmy.”

  “I make no promises, Your Majesty.” I returned her grin with a lopsided one of my own, and we all broke up laughing.

  Milandra handed the sword back to me with a slight smile, and I shoved it through my belt. I heard a sharp intake of breath from Tivernius and turned to the dragon.

  “What’s up? Was this your sword? You can have it, bro.” I reached to take it out of my belt, and Tivernius held up his hands.

  “No, it is not mine. I simply had not recognized it before that moment, is all.”

  “Recognized it? I’ve had it since the last time we were here, since the fight with the Unseelie.”

  “I remember,” Tivernius said. “But at that time it had been only loaned to you. Now it has been bestowed upon you as a knight, which has certain other properties.”

  “Dude, what are you babbling about? It’s a sword. It had properties of chopping people up, properties of poking holes in them, and if I’m feeling particularly generous, properties of slapping them around with the flat or the pommel. That’s about it.” I looked back and forth between him and Milandra. “Unless there’s something you guys aren’t telling me, that is?”

  They shared a couple of those meaningful glances people like to throw around when they know something that you don’t and they’re deciding whether or not to tell you about it. I usually shortcut those glances with a punch or two, but since I’d already avoided one fight with a dragon today, I decided to wait things out and not start another one.

  After a few seconds, Milandra took a deep breath. “I wasn’t sure I was going to tell you this, James, but that sword is a little more than just a sword.”

  “I’d figured that out all on my own, Your Mysteriousness,” I snarked back.

  “You’ve probably heard of it, but likely regarded it as just a legend,” she continued slowly.

  “Once upon a time I thought the same thing about dragons, faeries, witches, vampires, and intelligent police officers. But look at us all now!” I held my arms out wide, and Sabrina stepped up to smack me in the back of the head.

  “Shut up, Jimmy. She’s trying to tell you something important,” Sabrina hissed at me.

  I rubbed the back of my head and looked back at Milandra. “So tell me. What’s the deal with this legendary sword? Unless you’re telling me it’s Excalibur and I’m wielding it because the world is reaching a time of supreme peril again, I’m probably not going to be suitably impressed.” I chuckled at my joke until I noticed that Milandra wasn’t laughing.

  I looked hard at her, but got nothing. I looked over at Tivernius, who wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Is this sword Excalibur? The Excalibur?”

  Milandra nodded. “Merlin brought it to us here for safekeeping at Arthur’s passing. We have held it until a worthy bearer could be found.”

  “And until you find one you decided to let me use it?” I asked, trying to keep the mood light.

  Milandra just shook her head.

  “You think I’m worthy of carrying Excalibur, the sword of King friggin’ Arthur?”

  The Faerie Queen nodded. “I have seen your heart, James. What lies within you is more than even you suspect. More than you allow others to see or yourself to believe.”

  “No, wait. I know who and what I am. And I know that I have already stopped a Big Bad from destroying the world once. It’s someone else’s turn if things are coming that are so bad that this heavy-duty mojo needs to come back to our world to stop it.”

  “Mojo, as you call it, is needed.” She nodded again. “All the auguries and signs point to a time of great upheaval, James. We don’t know when it will happen, but something very bad is coming. And you and your friends must stop it.”

  I took a deep breath, then shook my head to clear it. Didn’t help. I did it again, then once more. I’m sure I looked like a terrier with a nose full of cayenne pepper. I glanced from Tivernius to Milandra, then back again. “Is it coming today?”

  “No,” Milandra said. “We do not know when the attack will come, or in what form. But it will not begin for some time yet.”

  “Then we still have work to do. There’s somebody in the Goblin Market kidnapping humans and selling them to the chef for soup stock. We’ve got to take care of that, then we’ll worry about whatever this Big Bad is going to look like and how I’m supposed to use this pigsticker to stop him. So Scaly-butt, you wanna magic us back to the Market so we can go back to kicking ass and taking names?”

  Greg tapped me on the shoulder. “Dude, I think I’d better sit this one out. It’s going to take several regular feedings to regrow my leg muscles and if you run into anything dangerous, I’d be more of a liability than a help.”

  I nodded to him, then turned to Stephen. “And I’m guessing you have a lot of questions you’d like to ask the fine folk of Faerie about yourself.”

  He nodded, and Milandra motioned for Sabrina. “You should stay as well, Detective. There are certain events and auguries we need to discuss with you.”

  “Sorry, Your Majesty, but I can’t let this civilian run my case, no matter what kind of magical sword he’s packing.” Sabrina crossed her arms across her chest and actually tried
to stare down the Faerie Queen.

  It didn’t work. “I’m sorry, Detective. You were obviously under the impression that I was asking you to stay. There are things we need to discuss with you, and we need James out of the way to discuss them. So you will be staying here while he returns to the Market.”

  Sabrina’s eyes got big, and I stepped up before she opened her mouth and got us all killed. “Sabrina. It’s cool. I can handle this. You stay here, find out how to save the world, and I’ll go chop the bad guy into little pieces and feed him to the dogs.” I saw Greg wince out of the corner of my eye and flashed back to what had just happened to my leg muscles. Suddenly the concept of being fed to things wasn’t funny anymore.

  “Fine,” Sabrina said between gritted teeth. “But don’t do anything stupid.”

  “No promises. Okay, then, Big T. How about sending the rest of us back to the Market, unless you ladies would rather stay here?” I looked at Anna and Abby.

  “There is no way I am letting you run around a magical marketplace unescorted while wielding one of the most powerful magical swords in history. Goddess only knows the trouble you would stir up,” Anna said, crossing her arms and giving me a glare.

  I looked over at Abby. She shrugged and said, “You did mention there was ass to kick, right? Then I’m with you. I’m not much for big houses with marble decorations anyway.”

  I nodded to Tivernius and said, “You’re welcome to join us, pal. Might even be fun.”

  He shook his head with a little regret and said, “As much as I might enjoy it, goblins give me indigestion, and that’s terribly inconvenient when one no longer lives in a cave.”

  “Fart fireballs, huh?” I asked. The dragon in human form ducked his head and made some funny gesture with his hand. Everything went dark, and we were gone.